When did i become so weak? 9/8

I'm such a selfish slob. Here I was being rude to my mom just because I was studying for finals and she asked me to do something simple huc yho for her. At first I said no, but agreed to later on. But I was still being a bitch and rushing her. While I was waiting I stumbled onto his tumblr.

family family family. oh boy…
nothings been the same since you left mom. everythings soooo new, everything happens soooo quick. not the pace i enjoy going in. I don’t want to say anything bad anymore cause hey, my dads happy and so is my little bro and my little sis. everythings fine for them. but what about me? I do not know why I don’t like my stepmom, maybe its just a natural thing, but she’s just… I don’t know how to put it xD just… not who i’m used to i guess? but yeah, don’t know why i’m crying typing this x] but mom, I miss you. I just don’t think i can go on my life as a successful son anymore… my grades are shit, the worse i’ve ever gotten, my tennis game did not improve what so ever, what can i be good use of? our dream was for me to go to UC, but I don’t believe i have what it takes anymore, i’m just a giver upper. Sure people reading this would be like ,”DONT GIVE UP TIMMY, YOU CAN DO IT, DON’T BE PUSSY AND SHIT” but hey, look at reality i effed up half of my junior year, and if i get lucky enough to walk down graduating, UC are not in sight. Reality and the only thing i see nowadays, but the only reality i still have trouble knowing, is that you left this world without saying goodbye. I remember that day exactly… the day you just left. in the morning you took me to school, I just went off, No Goodbyes, No nothing… after school, walked home from girls tennis practice, getting a call from my dad, 11 missed calls. I was like wtf does he want? i called… and heard him crying. my heart was stopped when i heard him say, “MOM DIED” i couldnt believe it, i just couldnt. i yelled back WHAT?, again he says “Mom…(hesitant) died!” i sitll couldnt believe him… i had to quickly go to edward mom for a ride, she was like wtf for a moment, but then said okay. In my head i thought of possibilties that she had died. nothing added up.. to me, she was still alive, she was gonna be like TIMMY YOUR HOME how was tennis AND WHY THE FCK DO YOU HAVE A C? i expect alot of things, but reality hit me. seeing my dads face full of tears, seeing cops all around my house, seeing my self in mirrors. worst thing ever. what i heard from the cops was this, “your mom was on medications correct?” , “Well, with the pills still in the cases, we can say she did not take any medications as of this week.”

i was shocked, that the MTWTFSS pill case thing… was still full?

maybe thats something shocking me. Why didn’t you take your medicine knowing your in risk. She had always been ill, but she never showed any signs of it. But like her,thats how I am around friends. We’re just too good at hiding our true feelings.

I instantly broke out in hysterics. Here I am with so many blessed things and he... I just hanged out with him today.. just talked to him less than ten minutes ago. I wish I could reach out to him.. I'll start making more efforts now. Even when I dropped him off today I saw a woman in his house, I asked who she was and he hesitated, then told me it was his step mom..

After I read that I went to huc yho my mom. The whole time I avoided eye contact, and spoke in a low voice. After I was done I told her I loved her and kissed her. I'm secretly scared deep down to experience what happened to him. God bless him for being to strong, being able to express himself like this. I just... <3

...shut up

I went out to the kitchen and he was heating up the leftover spaghetti Hang made. And he was all "What are we going to do with this now? You kids.. we have all this extra food."

First two fucking things pop into my mind

1. he sounds annoyed like he's pissed at us for 'wasting more food' since hang bought pho for dinner or something
2. which leads me thinking that he's bagging on us so I remember all the times he bought food when we had plenty left so I'm getting pissed with the hyprocrite in front of me

So I tell him 'What do you want me to do eat it all?" and he goes "sure" in a welcoming way I guess. But I'm not hungry I ate the spaghetti an hour ago and my dad is like 'If you want it you can eat it". Idrgaf but I know what he's doing. He's letting me eat first, sacrificing himself or whatever that shit it. It's nice. It's thoughtful. It's the fatherly thing to do. I get it. But it pisses me off when they do this. Why? Because they're starving and I'm not. So I'm like JUST EAT IT. And he's like Oh noo.. noo you can have it. And I try to tell him I just ate it a while ago but I'm fucking illiterate in speaking Viet so I can't get my point across. Then he keeps insisting and not listening to what I'm trying to say so I start yelling. Trying to tell him. But he doesn't get it and I sense a smartass reply from him when he goes "oh you don't wanna eat the food hmm waste..." so I get more mad. Yell for him to do whatever he wants and I walk back into my room. I pass my mom and she's all "Acting like that when someone offers you food... and insert some insulting name" I get even more mad, because she doesn't get shit in my head, and I feel there is no point in trying to talk to her since I fucking suck in speaking Viet. So I just tell her whatever and walk to my room.

Well now I'm in a bad mood. Fucking good night.

Call me selfish

But would it hurt for a little more attention? This is one of those 'we used to talk all the time... now what?' moments. I try, really do. But there's only so much I can do. You know what's the best about this? The fact that you're completely obvious to this all. Its probably all my fault, but I can't help but over think everything like this okay. How am I suppose to react to things going so well to just whatever now.

I can't say I didn't see this coming. If I had to pick any obstacle back then, it would have most likely be this. Now I don't even know how to get myself out of this. Well actually I do. What worries me more is what to do after it all. I don't wanna just end things on a bad note. I have a feeling you have a habit of doing things like that. I wouldn't want to end it, but this is how I am. When things go dull, I leave. Leave before your left I guess.

This is why I don't let my walls down. I hate feeling weak and dependent.

P.s. don't even try to talk to me if you're just going to go off on your own doing who knows what giving me one worded replies.

Why do I have to be so difficult?

I don't really get what just happened. Fuck my hesiation.

I'm hoping I didn't mess things up too bad just right now.